


Pain through the eyes of the Insufferable

by KuroshiAmaya



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - No Sgrub Session, Beforus, Breaking Celibacy Vows, Cutting, F/M, First serious fanfic, Schizophrenia, Sexual Content, There is probably more but it's late so yeah, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-21 09:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuroshiAmaya/pseuds/KuroshiAmaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is the first serious fanfic that I have ever made and I feel as though I did really well. There might have been a few mistakes, but nothing is ever perfect so whatever. I will probably post the next chapters later, until then, please be patient</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. A Leader's Pain

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first serious fanfic that I have ever made and I feel as though I did really well. There might have been a few mistakes, but nothing is ever perfect so whatever. I will probably post the next chapters later, until then, please be patient

Kankri was walking away from the group. He had to admit, that was a great lecture... Oh who was he kidding? No one listened to what he had to say. The only thing that he was good for was putting people to sleep. He whimpered a little as he heard some of the others laughing and making fun of him as he left. He stood in front of the door to his hive, with a steam of tears pouring out of his eyes. He wiped them away quickly as he heard someone getting close. 

"Kankri?" 

He turned around to see Latula, who almost seemed like she was worried.

"Are you ok dude? You look a bit... Down."

Kankri smile weakly as he opened the door to his hive. "Oh, it's nothing. I'm just a little tired from that last serum. I should be fine after I lay down for a while."

She stared at him for a moment before shrugging. "Ok dude, just let someone know if you need anything." She smiled as she turned and left.

He knew that she probably wasn't as concerned about him as she sounded. They never were concerned, and they would probably be better off without an annoying blather mouth like him. He went to his upstairs bathroom and locked the door behind him. As he looked in the mirror, all that looks back was a pathetic troll, who can only cling to his "friends". Just hoping that if he talks long enough, they'll stay, and he won't be so lonely.

Kankri took off his sweater to reveal the large amounts of scars that he got from his childhood. He would never forget how people used to treat him for his blood color. How they beat him, ripped his skin with their claws, and even the ones who would corner him, hold him down, and torture him. None of his friends saw these scars because of how his pants went up to his chest and his sweater covered the rest, but there were a few close calls. He grabbed one of the sickles that he kept around the hive, and with it, he slowly started to reopen each and every one of his scars. His blood poured onto the floor and he sank to the ground. This ritual was the only thing that kept him sane through the sweeps. It was the only way to silence the voices.

The cuts sizzled as they slowly began to close, causing him even more suffering. He could thank his mutant blood for that. He heard a knock on the front door. The cuts were almost healed, so he figured that it would stop bleeding and wouldn't cause suspicion.

He ran downstairs and had to calm down before he opened the door. Kankri was surprised when he saw that it was Porrim.

"Oh. Hello, Porrim." He managed to pull off a smile, "Is there something that you need?" 

"No, I just ran into Latula and she said that you weren't feeling all too well so I came to check on yo-," she went quite and was staring at Kankri's arm. "Kanny, what happened?"

He followed her gaze and realized that candy red blood was flowing from one of the scars on his arms that hadn't healed yet. Shit. He had to think fast, "Oh, this is nothing. I was cleaning between the couch and I cut myself on some metal that was sticking out."

She didn't seem to buy it at first, but she also didn't see a reason for him to lie. She sighed, "Kanny, you have to be more careful when you are not feeling well."

She really seemed like she cared about his well being, but he knew that she found him just as obnoxious as everyone else did, and maybe even more. She looked like she was about to say something else, but that's when the voices came back.

"Why do you even try?"

"Why not just end it all?"

"No one cares about you. It would be so easy just to end it"

"You're nothing like him. He was an inspiration, and you, you're just pathetic" 

He cringed, dropped to the ground, and grabbed his head as they just got louder and louder. He felt like his head might burst. Then, Kankri was brought back to reality when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was faint at first, but he could hear someone calling him.

"-nny... Kanny... Kankri!"

His eyes shot open and he looked up to see Porrim. Her eyes were wide with fear and it looked like she was about to be brought to tears.

"Oh, I apologize. I seemed to have contracted a headache. I should be fine, I just need to rest."

Kankri got up and began to walk away, but Porrim grabbed the sleeve of his sweater.

"Kanny, maybe I should stay and look after you. You should at least let me bandage you wound."

The very thought of her seeing his scars really scared him. She'd probably be disgusted, and then she'd tell the others. If anyone found out, then they'd all leave him, and then he would have no one.

"You don't need to. I'll be fine, I promise."

"Kankri, let me just-"

"No!" She froze, "Just. Please... Respect that... I want to just rest. I don't... I don't need to be looked after."

She seemed very hurt, and before he could say anything else, she turned around and ran off. He could have sworn that he saw jade tears before she left and he felt bad... Maybe, it was for the best. 

~~~

It was a few days after Kankri's little incident with Porrim, but it seemed like she was keeping it to herself. He felt like going for a walk and it seemed like it might have been a good idea, but then.

"Hey, Chief!"

Cronus came up from behind him and put his hand on Kankri's shoulder. Out of everyone, Cronus seemed to relish in annoying him. He knew all too well that Kankri hated to be touched, and yet he chose to do it anyway.

"I haven't seen ya around lately, chief. I've been havin' a hard time lately and I haven't had anyone to talk to. Ya mind listenin' for a while?"

Kankri really didn't want to deal with this guy. "Actually, I was going to-"

"Great!" He cut him off. "I knew I could count on ya. So, it all started last week when..."

God he wished Cronus would just leave. He started droning on and on about his problems, and he just wouldn't stop. It only got worse as the voices began to creep up and start their barrage.

"This troll is annoying. Make him stop"

"Silence this foolish excuse for a troll."

"Make him bleed and scream in pain."

Kankri's eyes shut and he cringed at the pain. "... Shut up" a whisper slipped from his lips. Cronus looked at him, surprised.

"What's that, Chief? I couldn't hear ya."

The voices yelled at an unnatural level. He couldn't believe how much it hurt.

"Kill him!"

"Slice his throat!"

"Do it!"

Cronus ignored whatever was happening to Kankri and kept talking. 

"So, as I was sayin', after I got shot down by Meenah, I went home and..."

He couldn't deal with it anymore. From the head splitting voices, to Cronus talking his fucking head off. He snapped.

"Shut the hell up!"

Cronus stared at him, wide eyed and jaw hanging. "Look, Chief. If you can't take two seconds to listen to someone's problems, that's fine. Just cause you're a Freak, that doesn't mean th-"

The second he called Kankri a freak, he lost all reason. He clenched his fists hard enough to pierce his own skin with his claw like nails. Before Cronus knew what was going on, Kankri had already slammed his fist into his face, knocking him to the ground. 

Cronus couldn't even defend himself as Kankri had pinned him and started to slam his fists into Cronus' face. Cronus tried to block, but Kankri connected a hit with his shoulder and dislocated it.

Kankri soon heard quick footsteps behind him, but he didn't care. All he knew was that Cronus wasn't going to open his mouth ever again. Kankri knew for a fact, that Cronus' nose was broken, but that wasn't enough. Kankri's hits became more consecutive and violent with each passing second. Purple blood drenched Kankri's fists. Cronus' eyes were swollen, but Kankri could still hear his voice as it screamed and begged for help. So he aimed straight for his mouth, breaking at least four teeth.

Then, someone grabbed him from behind, pinning his arms to his sides.

"Kanny, stop!"

Kankri couldn't tell who it was at first. All he saw was red, and he could swear that one of his fingers were broken. As he was being pulled away, he started to slam his foot in random areas. He connected a few times, breaking at least two of Cronus' ribs. Another kick went higher and slammed into one of Cronus' horns, cracking it in three places.

Whoever was behind him pulled him away as a few of the others, who he recognized to be Latula, Aranea, and Meenah, dragged Cronus in the opposite direction.

Kankri struggled to get out of the grip, roaring in anger, until he felt something. It was wet and it drenched his sweater. He turned his head far enough to see behind him, and he went wide eyed. The person holding him back, was Porrim. Jade tears streamed out of her eyes.

"Kanny, please. Please stop."

All the anger left Kankri's eyes and they both sank to the ground. His vision was blurred as he looked at his hands, completely covered in blood. His entire body shook and when he looked up, he saw Cronus, writhing in pain.

Kankri got up, escaping Porrim's grip.

"Kanny?"

Kankri remained silent. After a moment, he turned and walked away. Leaving Porrim, hugging herself and in tears.


	2. The Forbidden Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Porrim's eyes went wide as she looked around her. On the walls and the ceiling of the room, were words that were written in blood, but it wasn't just anyone's blood. It was dried, but she knew for a fact that it was Kankri's blood. Porrim's heart ached as she read some of the things that were written.
> 
> "Unless!"
> 
> "Insufferable fool."
> 
> "Why are you even alive?"
> 
> "You are nothing like the Signless." 
> 
> She looked around and noticed that one comment looked freshly written. It covered nearly the entire wall. It had his blood, but it also had a faint amount of purple blood as well

Kankri sat in his hive, curled up in a ball. He couldn't stop shaking as he grabbed his head and began crying. What was wrong with him? He was supposed to be a calm and peaceful leader, yet here he was, with blood stained hands, and dysfunctional mind.

Throughout the day, some of his "friends" came by and tried to talk with him, but he ignored them until they left. Though, with each passing day, the voices came at him faster and with greater intensity. He found himself opening his scars more frequently to numb the pain, but it seemed like it was never enough. 

It took two weeks for him to even think about going out. He woke up earlier in the night than usual, so he went to the bathroom. He took off his sweater and couldn't help but feeling depressed as he looked at all of the scars that covered his body. He could even remember each and every troll that created them. He shook the thoughts out of his head and continued to remove his clothing. 

He turned on the water, and was completely oblivious to the troll who had let herself into his hive.

~~~

Porrim just couldn't get Kankri off of her mind. She tossed and turned and couldn't seem to go to sleep. The only thing that she dreamed about was Kankri. She dreamed about when he yelled at her, and what he did to Cronus. She got out of her recuperacoon and looked out the window. The sun had gone down and normally a regular troll would be up at this time of night, but considering how different Porrim was, she found it weird. She couldn't stand it. She put on one of her dresses, walked out of her hive, and headed for Kankri's.

It was about a ten minute walk and all the other hives were quiet. She figured that they were still asleep. It was almost peaceful, if she didn't think about what Kankri had done in the past weeks. She could still remember the pain and fear that he had caused. 

She shuddered as she stood in front of Kankri's hive. Her mind told her that she should leave, but her heart just wouldn't let her. Her hand slowly inched toward the door. It was unlocked so she just walked right in. She could hear water running, he must have been in his ablution trap. Porrim closed the door and looked around. His hive looked pretty clean, except for the piles of blankets and books here and there. 

She walked past the piles and went up the stairs. She knew where most of the rooms were, since she had taken care of Kankri before, but there was always a room that he never let her enter. She was almost shocked to find that the door to that mysterious room... was slightly open.

Porrim knew that she shouldn't go in, but the curiosity overwhelmed her. She moved lightly, making sure that she wasn't heard, and quietly pushed the door. It creaked a little, but didn't seem noticeable. It was dark so she searched for a light switch. Her finger brushed past a switch and a dim light flickered to life.

Porrim's eyes went wide as she looked around her. On the walls and the ceiling of the room, were words that were written in blood, but it wasn't just anyone's blood. It was dried, but she knew for a fact that it was Kankri's blood. Porrim's heart ached as she read some of the things that were written.

"Unless!"

"Insufferable fool."

"Why are you even alive?"

"You are nothing like the Signless." 

She looked around and noticed that one comment looked freshly written. It covered nearly the entire wall. It had his blood, but it also had a faint amount of purple blood as well.

"You should probably just kill yourself."

Those last words made jade liquid burst out and she had to cover her mouth to muffle her whimpers. It was as if there was a flood coming out of her eyes. She turned and ran out of the room, only to run into the firm wet chest of a troll she knew all too well. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her head in the crook of his neck as her tears grew more intense. 

~~~

Kankri had just gotten out of the ablution trap. He didn't want to wear the sweater that Porrim had made for him without cleaning it first, so he just wrapped a towel around his waist. He walked out of the bathroom, but stopped when someone ran into him. Whoever it was wrapped their arms around him and started crying into his neck. He looked down and realized that it was Porrim. He figured that she was probably upset over a breakup. It wouldn't have been the first time she used him for a shoulder to cry on. He would have held her, since he didn't mind pretending that she actually wanted to be around him, but then he realized that his "forbidden" room was open.

"Porrim," Kankri's tone began to rise to an aggressive height. "I have told you time and time again to never-"

"...Don't..." 

Kankri only heard a word since Porrim's voice was muffled and masked by tears.

"What?" His tone was more agitated than angry.

She raised her voice close to a yell infused with sadness. "P-please... Please don't. I-I don't want you to die." 

Kankri stood there, shocked. He wanted to say something, but when he tilted her chin up, her eyes were closed, tears still falling. She had fallen asleep. He didn't know why, but all of the anger and aggravation left him in a flash.

He sighed. "I guess... We can deal with this later."

He picked her up and took her to his room. He hesitantly took off her dress, now drenched with her tears, and placed her in his recuperacoon. It took a moment of consideration, but he joined her, towel still around his waist. He was shocked when she moved and wrapped her arms around him in her sleep. Kankri couldn't do anything else but return her notion in an embrace that somehow made him feel warmer. It was warmth that made him feel somewhat at ease. His eyes grew heavy and he found himself drifting into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how long I will make this. I might just make a series out of it. Also, if you are feeling confused about the part where the Signless is mentioned, then, I probably should have mentioned that in this AU, I made it so that Kankri is the Signless' descendant, instead of his post-scratch incarnation. He only knows about the Signless through Aranea, who had learned about him and deduced that he was Kankri's ancestor.


	3. "Friends"

Porrim's pov

"....rrim..." 

Your eyes twitched a little as you felt a light nudging. There was a pause, so you quickly dismissed it. 

"Porrim.... Porrim, wake up this instant. It is very rude to ignore me when you are sleeping in my recopuracoon."

Your eyes fluttered open and it took a minute before they adjusted with the help of the glowing sopor. Kankri was still in his towel. His hair was a mess and in the dim light of the coon his eyes glowed a faint candy red, a sign of his body maturing. He was a lot thinner than he used to be, and you could just faintly see his ribs.Though, there was something much more horrid that caught your eyes. From the legs up to the abdomen.

He was covered in scars.

He noticed your wandering eyes and then quickly averted his gaze.

"Kankri...." You voice was filled with worry. You tried to reach you hand out to touch him, hold him, anything to get closer to him, but he flinched and inched away. 

"How... What happened to you?"

He still wouldn't meet your gaze. 

"..... What.... What do you care?" His voice quivered slightly but quickly shifted to being cold and distant.

"What do I care?!" You tried hard but failed to keep yourself calm. "Kankri I'm your friend. Why wouldn't I care about you?!"

He was silent for a moment.

*chuckle* 

Wait. Is he, Laughing?! You knew you'd heard right as burst into a hysterical laugh.

"Friend? Is that what I am now? Do friends call friends names? Laugh at him behind his back, or even right in his face? Do they push him around or, or go as far as slap duck tape across his mouth just to keep him silent? Is that really your delusional idea of a friend Porrim?"

It was getting harder and harder for you to hold back the tears that threaten to fall from your eyes.

"Kankri, I've never done anything that would cause you grief!"

He grinned.

"Oh, really now? If I recall correctly, was it not you who called me, what was it now, the Insufferable? A nickname that would used to slander and degrade me for 2 long and agonizing sweeps."

You flinched, and your breath hitched.

"I... I never meant for that happen.

"Oh but it did. And do you know what happened because of that?" He stood and towered over you. Anger radiating off his body. " Do you remember last sweep on my 8th wriggling day? That day is the reason that my life turned to utter shit. And it was because you and my so called friends!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extremely short (and a bit rushed) chapter I know. I'm just setting up and getting back into the groove of this story. I should upload the fourth chapter soon.


End file.
